More than myself.

Sometimes I struggle with self confidence. Sometimes it escalates into a mild depression. This weekend was one of the sometimes. It was over something so ridiculous that I hesitate to even write about it (that hesitation is fueled by self doubt...okay maybe this happens more often than I thought).

A little back story:
We're poor. Well, not poor. We live on very meager funds and mostly by choice. My husband is in grad school and I choose to be a stay-at-home mom. So we live off of what my husband makes while going to school (bless his heart!) and when that is no longer enough we will borrow to get by. We decided long ago to borrow as little as possible and so far we have only had to borrow for tuition--miraculously! Our budget has very little wiggle room: we've removed everything that isn't vital (i.e. make up, date nights, new clothes, etc.). So things like gifts for friends are hard. We are naturally very giving people, so it's hard not to buy gifts.

Okay enough back story.
Our friends are getting married. Today was her bridal shower and the wedding is in two weeks. I've been racking my brain trying to think of nice gifts to give that cost very very little. I came up with recovering two decorative pillows and painting a vintage-y thrift store mirror. My sister helped and cheered me on from 1500 miles away and I was psyched about it. Yes, psyched. I had visions of beautiful end products that rivaled professionally crafted pieces. Then I got started. Costs of supplies quickly added up. I had the realization that I can't actually sew. Baby started teething and I was getting very stressed and depressed.

What was I thinking? I am not good enough for this! My friends are all going to think I'm cheap. She's going to hate this! I should just go buy her something!

Thank heaven for prayer. I kept praying that heavenly father would build me up, make me more than I am. Because heaven knows I was not enough for the tasks at hand. Somehow we made it.

The pillow covers got sewn (I had to settle for less than my dreams of high end products), the mirror got painted (mostly...) and we were only 15 minutes late. But I still feel awful about it all.

The whole drive there I was thinking about ways to apologize for the gifts and for being late. And for being me. I received many compliments on the gifts from others yet I still feel like it just wasn't good enough. That makes me feel like I am not good enough.

I realize how flawed my thinking and perceptions are. I just don't know how to forget them and get over it. It makes me very grateful for my Savior and for prayer I can pray for strength and for a confirmation from the holy ghost that I am worthy. That I am loved. That I am good. And as for the things I do lack, I know Jesus makes up for them. I can place my burden upon Him. I can take His yoke. And then I am enough.

I know that I am not my failures. I am not my successes. I am a daughter of God. He loves me just because I am me. And me is all I need to be.

I did love the opportunity to be creative! I thanked God for that. And I also prayed for more opportunities. In case you were wondering, here's how much it cost:
Pillows: $4.00 (but I already had them, so I didn't really count them).
Fabric: $1.74
Mirror: $4.27
Paint: $4.26 (but there's enough for another project or two).
Ribbon to wrap/present the gift: priceless. (It was the ribbon from my wedding bouquet- yes I saved it from 4 years ago-and it killed me to give it away, but I was in a bind).
Thread & paint supplies: I already had those too.
Card: .50 (it shouldn't count either since it never even made it to the party and is somehow MIA).
Total: $15.00 ish. Too lazy to actually add it up.

Suck. I should have just given her a gift card.