For the past little while I have been struggling with an issue that has been in the forefront of the news and politics. I wasn't quite sure where I stood. That's not true. I knew where I stood, I just didn't know how I would explain it to others without seeming selfish or out-dated. I made it a matter of study and prayer and was incredibly blessed with answers, comfort and strength. Reading the words of modern day prophets gave me clear answers and allowed me to discern what is right from what modern day sophistry masks as truth. And today, reading the Book of Mormon with my son, I realized that my situation is not new. For thousands of years righteous people have been mocked for standing apart and holding on to their beliefs. And that I don't have to rationalize my beliefs. I know they are in line with the Savior's teachings and in the end that's all that matters.
I feel such gratitude for living prophets, and the Book of Mormon. It is clear to me that the Book of Mormon was written for our day. I am thankful for the personal inspiration and revelation that comes from God to guide me and give me direction in these challenging times.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
More than myself.
Sometimes I struggle with self confidence. Sometimes it escalates into a mild depression. This weekend was one of the sometimes. It was over something so ridiculous that I hesitate to even write about it (that hesitation is fueled by self doubt...okay maybe this happens more often than I thought).
A little back story:
We're poor. Well, not poor. We live on very meager funds and mostly by choice. My husband is in grad school and I choose to be a stay-at-home mom. So we live off of what my husband makes while going to school (bless his heart!) and when that is no longer enough we will borrow to get by. We decided long ago to borrow as little as possible and so far we have only had to borrow for tuition--miraculously! Our budget has very little wiggle room: we've removed everything that isn't vital (i.e. make up, date nights, new clothes, etc.). So things like gifts for friends are hard. We are naturally very giving people, so it's hard not to buy gifts.
Okay enough back story.
Our friends are getting married. Today was her bridal shower and the wedding is in two weeks. I've been racking my brain trying to think of nice gifts to give that cost very very little. I came up with recovering two decorative pillows and painting a vintage-y thrift store mirror. My sister helped and cheered me on from 1500 miles away and I was psyched about it. Yes, psyched. I had visions of beautiful end products that rivaled professionally crafted pieces. Then I got started. Costs of supplies quickly added up. I had the realization that I can't actually sew. Baby started teething and I was getting very stressed and depressed.
What was I thinking? I am not good enough for this! My friends are all going to think I'm cheap. She's going to hate this! I should just go buy her something!
Thank heaven for prayer. I kept praying that heavenly father would build me up, make me more than I am. Because heaven knows I was not enough for the tasks at hand. Somehow we made it.
The pillow covers got sewn (I had to settle for less than my dreams of high end products), the mirror got painted (mostly...) and we were only 15 minutes late. But I still feel awful about it all.
The whole drive there I was thinking about ways to apologize for the gifts and for being late. And for being me. I received many compliments on the gifts from others yet I still feel like it just wasn't good enough. That makes me feel like I am not good enough.
I realize how flawed my thinking and perceptions are. I just don't know how to forget them and get over it. It makes me very grateful for my Savior and for prayer I can pray for strength and for a confirmation from the holy ghost that I am worthy. That I am loved. That I am good. And as for the things I do lack, I know Jesus makes up for them. I can place my burden upon Him. I can take His yoke. And then I am enough.
I know that I am not my failures. I am not my successes. I am a daughter of God. He loves me just because I am me. And me is all I need to be.
I did love the opportunity to be creative! I thanked God for that. And I also prayed for more opportunities. In case you were wondering, here's how much it cost:
Pillows: $4.00 (but I already had them, so I didn't really count them).
Fabric: $1.74
Mirror: $4.27
Paint: $4.26 (but there's enough for another project or two).
Ribbon to wrap/present the gift: priceless. (It was the ribbon from my wedding bouquet- yes I saved it from 4 years ago-and it killed me to give it away, but I was in a bind).
Thread & paint supplies: I already had those too.
Card: .50 (it shouldn't count either since it never even made it to the party and is somehow MIA).
Total: $15.00 ish. Too lazy to actually add it up.
Suck. I should have just given her a gift card.
A little back story:
We're poor. Well, not poor. We live on very meager funds and mostly by choice. My husband is in grad school and I choose to be a stay-at-home mom. So we live off of what my husband makes while going to school (bless his heart!) and when that is no longer enough we will borrow to get by. We decided long ago to borrow as little as possible and so far we have only had to borrow for tuition--miraculously! Our budget has very little wiggle room: we've removed everything that isn't vital (i.e. make up, date nights, new clothes, etc.). So things like gifts for friends are hard. We are naturally very giving people, so it's hard not to buy gifts.
Okay enough back story.
Our friends are getting married. Today was her bridal shower and the wedding is in two weeks. I've been racking my brain trying to think of nice gifts to give that cost very very little. I came up with recovering two decorative pillows and painting a vintage-y thrift store mirror. My sister helped and cheered me on from 1500 miles away and I was psyched about it. Yes, psyched. I had visions of beautiful end products that rivaled professionally crafted pieces. Then I got started. Costs of supplies quickly added up. I had the realization that I can't actually sew. Baby started teething and I was getting very stressed and depressed.
What was I thinking? I am not good enough for this! My friends are all going to think I'm cheap. She's going to hate this! I should just go buy her something!
Thank heaven for prayer. I kept praying that heavenly father would build me up, make me more than I am. Because heaven knows I was not enough for the tasks at hand. Somehow we made it.
The pillow covers got sewn (I had to settle for less than my dreams of high end products), the mirror got painted (mostly...) and we were only 15 minutes late. But I still feel awful about it all.
The whole drive there I was thinking about ways to apologize for the gifts and for being late. And for being me. I received many compliments on the gifts from others yet I still feel like it just wasn't good enough. That makes me feel like I am not good enough.
I realize how flawed my thinking and perceptions are. I just don't know how to forget them and get over it. It makes me very grateful for my Savior and for prayer I can pray for strength and for a confirmation from the holy ghost that I am worthy. That I am loved. That I am good. And as for the things I do lack, I know Jesus makes up for them. I can place my burden upon Him. I can take His yoke. And then I am enough.
I know that I am not my failures. I am not my successes. I am a daughter of God. He loves me just because I am me. And me is all I need to be.
I did love the opportunity to be creative! I thanked God for that. And I also prayed for more opportunities. In case you were wondering, here's how much it cost:
Pillows: $4.00 (but I already had them, so I didn't really count them).
Fabric: $1.74
Mirror: $4.27
Paint: $4.26 (but there's enough for another project or two).
Ribbon to wrap/present the gift: priceless. (It was the ribbon from my wedding bouquet- yes I saved it from 4 years ago-and it killed me to give it away, but I was in a bind).
Thread & paint supplies: I already had those too.
Card: .50 (it shouldn't count either since it never even made it to the party and is somehow MIA).
Total: $15.00 ish. Too lazy to actually add it up.
Suck. I should have just given her a gift card.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Today
Went to splash park with friends from church.
Had a visit from visiting teacher.
Made meatloaf.
Facetimed Mom.
It's weird that that's actually a very busy day for me now. In college it was always Go, go, go! My pace has slowed down quite a bit. I like it.
I feel like I failed A today. He woke up around 6am hungry, so Dad laid him next to me in bed and the breakfast buffet commenced. After he finished I rolled over and tried to sleep and he kept squawking. So I'd roll over and give him his pacifier and try to sleep some more. We did this several times until I realized it was actually time to eat again. Oops. Poor guy. Then we ran around all day and he didn't get a chance to get a good nap at all. That did result in an earlier bedtime though! Unfortunately, we didn't get to do our whole nighttime routine. I missed that. No warm bath with lullabies, no family prayer and no scripture stories followed by cuddle time. Actually we did get cuddle time. :)
D and I did read and pray together though. That always feels nice.
Tonight in my reading I read 3 nephi 17. The chapter where Christ blesses the nephite children. It's beautiful. I have a new appreciation for it now that I have a little one. I pictured laying baby A down in front of Christ and angels encircling him. I pictured Christ blessing him. It brought me to tears. I am very thankful we have record of that. Christ's love is perfect. Immense. Beautiful. Infinite. I am thankful to have felt that love in my life. I feel it every day. Especially when I look at my son.
Had a visit from visiting teacher.
Made meatloaf.
Facetimed Mom.
It's weird that that's actually a very busy day for me now. In college it was always Go, go, go! My pace has slowed down quite a bit. I like it.
I feel like I failed A today. He woke up around 6am hungry, so Dad laid him next to me in bed and the breakfast buffet commenced. After he finished I rolled over and tried to sleep and he kept squawking. So I'd roll over and give him his pacifier and try to sleep some more. We did this several times until I realized it was actually time to eat again. Oops. Poor guy. Then we ran around all day and he didn't get a chance to get a good nap at all. That did result in an earlier bedtime though! Unfortunately, we didn't get to do our whole nighttime routine. I missed that. No warm bath with lullabies, no family prayer and no scripture stories followed by cuddle time. Actually we did get cuddle time. :)
D and I did read and pray together though. That always feels nice.
Tonight in my reading I read 3 nephi 17. The chapter where Christ blesses the nephite children. It's beautiful. I have a new appreciation for it now that I have a little one. I pictured laying baby A down in front of Christ and angels encircling him. I pictured Christ blessing him. It brought me to tears. I am very thankful we have record of that. Christ's love is perfect. Immense. Beautiful. Infinite. I am thankful to have felt that love in my life. I feel it every day. Especially when I look at my son.
Dear A
Dear A,
You are wonderful in every way. I hope you never doubt that. I thank God every day that I have you. I love you, my child.
You are wonderful in every way. I hope you never doubt that. I thank God every day that I have you. I love you, my child.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
I'm a mom
So I had a baby! haha. It is sad to me that I am just now journaling about it. I've blogged about my sweet baby angel on our family blog, but I still haven't written his birth story down. He's now 3 months.
My sweet little baby boy. He is amazing. I love his soft skin and his sweet smiles. I love cuddling him. There is nothing more perfect and life changing than holding a sleeping infant in your arms. I sing to him all the time. Poor kid, lol. One of the songs I sing is, "I lived in heaven a long time ago..." I first chose to sing it to him because I wanted to teach him about the Plan of Salvation (I know he's just a baby, but it can't hurt to start teaching him so young...). As I was singing it I had to start over and change the words to, "I lived in heaven a short time ago, it is true..." As silly as it is, I teared up. It was amazingly beautiful to me to realize that this little soul in my arms was with his Father in Heaven just days before. That absolutely humbles me. Heavenly Father let go of this little boy and placed him in my arms. I can't help but think, "are you sure you want to do that?" I have no idea what I'm doing. In fact, daily I think the words, "I'm a horrible mother." I lose patience at the drop of a hat. I am guilty of putting my needs before the needs of my baby. I'm awful. Why does Heavenly Father trust me with this baby? Should He? But I do have faith that He knows what He is doing. I also have faith that He can change me into the mother that my baby needs me to be.
I truly believe that my main purpose on this earth is to be a mother. My patriarchal blessing tells me to be a mother and a wife that I may instill in the hearts and minds of my children the things that will lead them back to our Father in Heaven. Although I stink at it now, I am trying. I am focusing my efforts on teaching A who he is and how to return to Heavenly Father. Every day we read from the illustrated version of the Book of Mormon and we pray together. I am trying hard to be the mother he needs, to be the mother that Heavenly Father needs me to be.
My sweet little baby boy. He is amazing. I love his soft skin and his sweet smiles. I love cuddling him. There is nothing more perfect and life changing than holding a sleeping infant in your arms. I sing to him all the time. Poor kid, lol. One of the songs I sing is, "I lived in heaven a long time ago..." I first chose to sing it to him because I wanted to teach him about the Plan of Salvation (I know he's just a baby, but it can't hurt to start teaching him so young...). As I was singing it I had to start over and change the words to, "I lived in heaven a short time ago, it is true..." As silly as it is, I teared up. It was amazingly beautiful to me to realize that this little soul in my arms was with his Father in Heaven just days before. That absolutely humbles me. Heavenly Father let go of this little boy and placed him in my arms. I can't help but think, "are you sure you want to do that?" I have no idea what I'm doing. In fact, daily I think the words, "I'm a horrible mother." I lose patience at the drop of a hat. I am guilty of putting my needs before the needs of my baby. I'm awful. Why does Heavenly Father trust me with this baby? Should He? But I do have faith that He knows what He is doing. I also have faith that He can change me into the mother that my baby needs me to be.
I truly believe that my main purpose on this earth is to be a mother. My patriarchal blessing tells me to be a mother and a wife that I may instill in the hearts and minds of my children the things that will lead them back to our Father in Heaven. Although I stink at it now, I am trying. I am focusing my efforts on teaching A who he is and how to return to Heavenly Father. Every day we read from the illustrated version of the Book of Mormon and we pray together. I am trying hard to be the mother he needs, to be the mother that Heavenly Father needs me to be.
Organization
Tonight as my husband and I were studying the Book of Mormon together (Mosiah 26), we started talking about the organization of the Church. Alma is called as a high priest and finds it necessary to judge a group of individuals as to their righteousness. In the church today we have a high priest who, when necessary, judges the righteousness of individuals and to whom individuals may confess their sins. It amazes me that throughout the history of the earth the organization of the church has not changed.
Then as I was reading in my personal study I read in 3 Nephi about Christ calling the Twelve Apostles. It was just a coincidence that I read that chapter. It's just where I am in my personal reading as I am trying to read the entire Book of Mormon again.
Tonight's reading is a testimony to me that God is eternal and unchanging. It also testifies to me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church of God on the earth. It is the only church that exists as it did when Christ was on the earth.
We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists and so forth. (Articles of Faith. 6).
A New Era
Throughout high school I was very dedicated to keeping a journal. Since my senior year that dedication has waned and once I was married it has almost become extinct. Realizing the life experiences and thoughts that I have gone unrecorded because of not journaling regularly for the past six years makes incredibly sad. So many moments are now gone.
I am rededicating myself to journaling. Only this time it's 21st century style.
Welcome to the blog of Kelly!
Here is your official warning: 1. I have no filter. 2. I do not guarantee this to be quality writing or even worth reading. 3. I am writing for me, but feel free to come along for the ride.
I am rededicating myself to journaling. Only this time it's 21st century style.
Welcome to the blog of Kelly!
Here is your official warning: 1. I have no filter. 2. I do not guarantee this to be quality writing or even worth reading. 3. I am writing for me, but feel free to come along for the ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)